Larson Arrested: Top 20 superstar Paul Larson was arrested on Thursday in association with the death of the beloved Lord Gravely. Sick-Off-Sabbat: In thier first game off of autumn sabbatical, Kulak and Larson landed the world's first four horsemen in route to a Blitzkreig

Sick-off-Sabbat '95 Turns Sour

Lord Gravely Arrives as Bat and is Brutalized Severely
By Brian Kulak

Paris, France - The much awaited shuffleboard extravaganza "Sick off Sabbat" ended in violence this year, as the immortal Lord Gravely was beaten severely and then staked through the heart upon arrival to the tournament. Gravely, a vampire, arrived at the East Paris Invitational in the form of a bat. Witnesses say he was a-snarlin' and a-droolin' and a-shakin' and a-spittin'. Parisians are well known for their dislike of bats, and when Gravely appeared as the innocent fuzzy animal, the crowd stormed him. When it was all over, Gravely lay dead in human form in front of 50,000 shocked fans, with a stake through his heart.
. In a surpirse to the shuffleboard community, Paul Larson was arrested on Thursday in association with the murder. Police testing revealed that Larson had a .21 blood alcohol level at the time of his arrest. The police are not releasing any further details at this time.
. Those closest to Larson say that he respected Lord Gravely, but apparently he has been very bitter since a loss to Gravely in Luxembourg earlier in the year knocked him out of the top ten.
. Gravely was 2421.
A Statement from SHNOG President Daniel Rosenthal
By Daniel Rosenthal

SHNOG Compound: Beaufort, NC. - As you know, SHNOG Vice-President, shuffleboard superstar, and my long time teammate Paul Larson has allegedly been connected with the horrible death of Lord Gravely. While SHNOG will not tolerate this crime, it must be understood that the details of Larson's involvement are extremely fuzzy. No action whatsoever will be taken unless Larson is found guilty of the slaying in a court of law. He will continue to play scheduled matches upon his pending release on bail. I have spoken to Paul, and although he is quite shaken up by all htat has happened, he is hoping the shuffleboard communtiy will welcome him back in open arms when he is found innocent. Continue sliding and gliding as usual.
      Peace and love to all my fans,
      Danny "Too Much" Rosenthal

SHNOG Releases List of New Officers and Nicknames
Compiled from staff reports

Headquarters - In an effort to rid the organization of corruption, expand the fan base, and prepare the shuffleboard world for the future, SHNOG President Daniel Rosenthal announced a series of sweeping appointment changes and new player nicknames. Brian Kulak has been appointed the new Sergeant-at-Arms position, in charge of enforcement of league policy and implementation of new rules. David Wu will head Research and Development in the new Shovelgroat Research Center in Toronto. SHNOG also appointed newcomer A. Christopher Oishi as Secretary of Fashion and Astrological Prophecy.
. Only three new nicknames have been made public to date: Rosenthal will go by "Too Much," Brian Kulak has been dubbed "Sabbat," and leage bad-boy Paul Larson will be called "Big Dog."
. However, what came as the biggest surprise in Rosenthal's address was his appointment of the ever-militant Kulak to Secretary of Publicity and Editor-In-Chief of the Slide&Glide. When asked why he made this decision, Rosenthal offered, "People began to think of us as a conservative force in the sporting world. We need to take a more liberal approach to carry this institution into the 21st century."
Evidence discovered for Egyptian Shuffleglyph Origin Theory
By Javier Alvarez and Paul Larson

Cairo - The Egyptian Shuffleglyph Origin Theory (also known as the Heiroglyph theory) states that the first shuffleboard courts were constucted by the same beings who built the great pyramids of Egypt. The dimensions of the shuffleboard court closely parallel those of the pyramids themselves. The similarity is too astonishing to be simply coincidence. Through extensive research on hieroglyphic and ancient Egyptian art, this one of a kind photo was retrieved, showing a shuffleboard court in the heiroglyphic record.
. It is not known how the sport spread around the world. Perhaps shuffleboards were a form of currency, used to barter. Maybe shuffleboard pucks were used as coins, weapons, or fine china. Some say our current language and mathematics are based on the ancient Egyptian religious practice honoring shuffleboard.
. The shuffleboard courts could have been built by humans or perhaps even extraterrestrial beings; this is not quite known. What is known is the sport was born in Egypt and has thrilled the world for millenia.